Why do we find mixed emotions so difficult?
When we contradict ourselves and finding an affordable therapist
Hellooooo, how are we?
Last week I saw a friend who loves his long-term partner, but a part of him feels a gnawing sense of being stuck and a desire to have sex with other people. He has been beating himself up over these thoughts, thinking he’s the Worst Person In The World™ for even considering it. The weight of his mixed emotions has created an unbearable level of anxiety and shame.
On the same day, another friend shared the difficulties she has in her relationship with her dad. She described how thoughtless and hurtful his behaviours can be, but then quickly added, "I feel bad saying this because he's also good to me in many ways”. It was interesting to hear that a part of her was upset by her dad’s actions, and another part felt guilty for even talking about it.
These conversations reminded me of a common challenge that often comes up in therapy: our struggle to sit with conflicting feelings. As humans, we have an innate drive to make sense of our experiences by creating narratives about ourselves and the world. We connect the dots between certain events to construct a cohesive story that fits our understanding. But when we're confronted with people or situations that cause a range of emotions, it disrupts that neat narrative we've constructed.
For a number of years, I worked for two Family and Systemic Psychotherapists who set up an alternative provision for children who had been excluded from school. One of the most important learnings I gained from watching them help transform the lives of the people they worked with, is an idea called “both/and thinking”. It's the concept that multiple ideas and emotions can coexist and be true at the same time. For example, my friend can experience her dad as both disappointing and loving, without those aspects contradicting each other.
In the wise words of Walt Whitman, the 19th-century poet; "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes" or as I put:
Now, you might be thinking, "Okay, that's all well and good in theory, but how does this actually help the way I feel about things?" Well, when we embrace this approach, it can lead to shifts in how we navigate complex emotions and situations. By observing our challenging feelings without judgment, we can start to unravel the threads of our reactions and understand what might be driving them.
This can lead to a process that therapists call the "integration of parts” which sometimes involves the untangling of beliefs that have formed around our childhood or earlier wounds, which tend to trap us in rigid thinking patterns. When we acknowledge that multiple ideas and feelings can exist at the same time without contradiction, we grow a greater capacity to read and regulate our emotional responses.
Some questions for those who are curious:
Is there a situation or person that brings up conflicting feelings for you? Can you describe the emotional response you have towards it/them?
What’s it like for you to sit with those feelings? Tap into the physical sensation it brings up. Intolerable? Uncomfortable? Fine?
What is the story you tell yourself about this situation/person? Would it be possible to consider an alternative narrative?
So, if today you find yourself feeling simultaneously useless and hopeful, lonely amidst a sea of loved ones, or grieving a loss while also bubbling with excitement for an upcoming event — I hope you can take some solace in the fact that everything can be true all at once. We are vast beings containing multitudes.
Thank you so much for reading. Until next time,
Adelaide
More from me: Affordable therapy vibes!
I often hear that people want to find a therapist, but struggle to know where or how to start. Even if you have the means and emotional capacity to begin the search for a therapist, the process can be confusing, frustrating, and disappointing - let alone if you are in a crisis position or having a hard time financially.
For many people, the main barrier of therapy is the cost. I have made a start at putting together a list of places that provide psychotherapy or counselling at a low-fee or sliding scale (pay what you can afford according to your salary). This isn’t a comprehensive list by any means, but here are a few links that might be useful. If you have any personal recommendations, please do email me or leave a comment so we can help a brother or sister out.
It may be possible to get counselling and psychotherapy through your GP. It is likely that your GP will refer you on to a variety of psychological therapies services, including Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT). The current situation in the NHS is pretty bleak, with a lengthy waiting list meaning that it could be some time before you are able to access a number of sessions.
The free psychotherapy network – This organisation consists of a group of psychotherapists who offer free therapy to people on low incomes. There’s not that many therapists on the database so it may be difficult to find someone with availability for new clients. I mainly find their page “other affordable options” useful, as it provides a list of organisations across the UK that have low-fee options. I would definitely check out that list and send off a handful of emails to find out if any are taking on new clients.
If you have private healthcare through your work, you should enquire with them. Most private health providers such as Axa, Bupa and Vitality have access to mental health support. I know it can be daunting to pay the excess, and there might be many hoops to jump through before you manage to actually sit down for a first session - but it should be worth it if you are able to access therapy at a reduced cost.
UKCP’s directory of therapists – The UK Council for Psychotherapy is the leading organisation for psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors in the UK. When I was on the hunt for an affordable therapist, I made my way through their directory and had a look for who had a lower fee or stated that they offer concessions. Some therapists may not advertise a concessionary rate, but could have one. I then sent multiple emails to individual therapists to see if they had capacity to take on new clients at a lower fee. I received a small number of positive responses and then asked for an initial call to see if the therapist was someone I could see myself working with. This can be a more admin-heavy route to finding accessible help, but one I recommend.
The following list are organisations that I know provide low-fee counselling or psychotherapy and have been recommended by friends and colleagues. They are all London-based, however I’m sure that many therapists have the option to meet remotely too:
Even more from me
If you like the concept of multitudes and want to find out more, Dr Meg-John Barker’s zine on Plural Selves is a great place to start.
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Thank you for sharing, Adelaide. I think we have all experienced these conflicting feelings. As you say, we need to learn to accept that these feelings can coincide and still exist.
Thank you for sharing. As a Gestalt therapist, polarities of feelings is not only natural but expected. We all bring ambivalence to most situations.