Helloooo. How are things?
A quick thought exercise to kick off today’s newsletter -
Think of the last person you met up with one-one-one for dinner
How did you feel in the lead up to seeing them? Excited? Dread? Relaxed?
What kind of sensations came up for you when you were with them? Boredom? Calm? Irritation?
How did your body feel after you left? Heavy? Drained? Lifted? Aroused?
One of the most important ways to understand how we think and feel about situations can be gained from our physical responses. Our body holds an incredible amount of information and is highly susceptible to others’ emotions. If we come away from a conversation with someone feeling completely off balance, it may be because we have picked up on their dysregulation and internal chaos.
This is sometimes called “emotional contagion” which is the idea that humans synchronise with the emotions of those around them, either unconsciously or consciously. Because of this, my favourite question to ask someone after a date or an important meeting is “how did it make you feel inside your body?” as it provides useful insight into the shared experience.
I’ve always been interested in the phrase “misery loves company” and the psychology behind why at times when we feel unhappy we may seek out and gain comfort from others being miserable in similar ways. Sometimes feeling helpless can be the basis of a relationship and a co-dependency is formed in the shared struggle. If one person begins to feel ok in themselves, the dynamic may shift and that can be uncomfortable for both parties.
There is a type of psychoanalytic theory called Transactional Analysis (Eric Berne, 1961) which suggests that the way that we see ourselves and how we interact with others has been shaped by our early life experiences. The OK matrix shows the four life positions that we operate from when dealing with other people. It’s possible to move around the matrix depending on the given situation, but we usually have a default position we tend to revert to.
Take a look at the matrix below and think again about the person you met up with for dinner. How did you perceive yourself when with them? How did you see them? Which part of the matrix were you operating from?
Of course, the ideal position for our relationships would be “I’m ok, you’re ok” as it characterises an interaction between people that is trusting, healthy and allows for both give and take.
The other positions can be exhausting to be in for a prolonged period of time. You may continually perceive others to be better than you (I’m not ok, you’re ok) or have relationships that are built on mutual hopelessness (I’m not ok, you’re not ok). Some may find that those around them are incapable of living up to their standards or they can’t trust others to look after themselves (I’m ok, you’re not ok).
In my own life, I can recognise how certain relationships fit into each section of the matrix. My question for you is, where do you mainly find yourself operating from? Perhaps you have picked a romantic partner that reflects the same dynamic that you had/have with a family member? Maybe you have relationships with colleagues that leaves you feeling in the one-down position?
Here are some things that I would ask a client to reflect on:
Who in your life do feel “I’m ok, you’re ok” with? What do these healthy relationships give you?
Which of the positions did you take with your family whilst growing up?
What position do you find most difficult to be in?
Quite interesting? Yes, no?
If you find that certain relationships drag you into an unhelpful position, just know that change is possible. The first step to any of these things is becoming aware of our own patterns and taking responsibility for the roles we play. Consistently blaming other people for putting us in an undesirable position only keeps us in the cycle of drama. We have to be able to acknowledge where we are without judgement and be willing to create shifts.
Thanks so much for reading, I love having you here
Adelaide
More from me
To note, this is my own interpretation of these concepts from Transactional Analysis. If you want to find out more, I would recommend reading Games People Play by Eric Berne.
I’m in my corporate talk era. I recently spoke at events at HSBC and the Tony Blair Institute for Global Change. You can read more about the talks on my LinkedIn.
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What an era